Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
