nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
