Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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