I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize