I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
