I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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