I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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