You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I wear drunk well.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
