She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
