no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
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I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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