i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
