I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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