11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
