there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
