Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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