im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
