I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
