my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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