Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
