i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
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Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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