also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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