I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
