I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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