I just threw up on my dentist
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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