quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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