I met the friendliest cop last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
