I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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