I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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