did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
