guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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