why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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