I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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