Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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