I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
