These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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