she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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