Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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