you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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