Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
