dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
