So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
