So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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