forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
