New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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