I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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