My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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