Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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