apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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