Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They took my balls.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
