why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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