my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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