It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
