I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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