I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
