I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
