walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
