so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
