Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
