also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
