my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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